A contagious wave of drowsiness descended upon me while I was reading in bed, as usual. It turns out I was not able to overcome this horrendous habit. Anyhow the day officially started at 1:30 pm, when I woke up through a call from Yonah, reminding me of our team meeting. I have been working somewhat closely with him since last fall and towards the end of that quarter I was not sure if I should keep going with him, especially after the discouraging second conversation with Professor X who pointed out the probabilistic frailty of his plan. In any case, Bryan reminded me of the importance of spirit in a man’s lifelong pursuit and how innovation is more important than practicality a lot of times. And I do see the innovative element in our business now, namely the unique setting of a college campus untampered by monetary desire and teemed with receptive intellectuals who are willing to sacrifice anything for reason. I am lying to an extent, there are plenty of people like the past me myself who refuses to convince the soul after the mind is convinced. But I feel the only way out is for me to master the trick of self-convincing first, just as Yonah was telling me before all along. My performance today in our clandestine meeting in front of a newcomer, Jeff, is striking to myself even. The highlight came in when I drew a piece of paper out of my backpack with all the points I was going to mention about the conversation with Professor X. I had too many experiences of suffering from lack of preparation in occasions that are supposedly impromptu, so I was fortunate enough to have a first successful experiment on what I was going ot present. Of course due to the intrinsic incoherence of going down a list on a piece of paper, I was not able to make it smooth enough with others interruption. But my self-righteous attitude and confidence remained high throughout the presentation, mostly due to the backing of hardcopy of the subject matter, that I managed to escalate the monologue into a genuine campaign sales pitch. On the other hand I saw a bit of weariness and fatigue in Yonah’s demeanor. He told me it was his Mac laptop that got bricked recently. But I could also sense a bit of inevitable discouragement from the meager group that showed up in today’s meeting. In any case, once he started talking about the technical stuff, his spirit picked up somewhat. I actually found his disenchantment more normal and likeable than when he displayed infatuous amount of zealotry without reason in front of me, perhaps just to show me how good he is at promoting the product he is selling, or at an even lower level, to expect that I will find his sales pitch more trustworthy.

   Just a moment ago I was brushing my teeth and it has been one of the few invariant daily activities in my recent years (I used to slack off on that and yea, my molars were not happy). But as I discovered over the years, the longer duration I spent brushing them, the less likely I will suffer from a toothache down the road. So in the end I spent more and more time mechanically swinging the toothbrush. Even though 10 minutes might not sound like a lot compared to a day, it still feels painfully vain to spend more than a modicum of time being a narcicist in front of the mirror. Experience earlier tells me that the longer I stay in front of the mirror, the more I am preoccupied with my outer appearance, trying to gain an invisible edge over others during daily intercourse just through sheer physical advantage. But that fosters only vanity and dreaminess (to put it mildly) in the long run and I become ever more self-absorbed, unable to focus on more "manly" topics. But ironically enough, while I was getting in the habit of writing a report every night here, I tended to draft the words in my head first, and the most convenient time just turned out to be while I was brushing my teeth! What a splendid symbiosis! So now I found a ambitious cause for indulging in an apparently insipid activity.

About aquazorcarson

math PhD at Stanford, studying probability
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One Response to diary-a

  1. arena says:

    It really saves time which is also a good way. Not like me, sometimes, I occupied the time of a conversation with a friend, which will only irritates my friends. However, daily report is very awesome and later on i have only time scanning others’ spaces lacking focus on my own.

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