The only cure of weakness is strength

   Words are so weak today. At least that’s how I felt after spending so many hours chit-chatting last night at the CNY dinner party. Communication used to be thought of as my personal foible, but these days it becomes my obstacle instead. It’s the kind of superstition which says if you are good at one thing then you can’t be simultaneously good at another. Note the word simultaneous: I don’t claim the exclusion of two talents that appear in different time interval, but to juggle many at once seems beyond reach, at least that’s what I thought a year ago. But now what’s more relevant is the fact that pain and pleasure cannot coexist. No, not on me. More positively, I need to figure out a way to mix the two. Imagine someone installs a morphin and an electric shock button on me at the same time. If life were so simple, I could simply regulate my level of pain awareness by pressing the appropriate button at any given time. But unfortunately both types of sentiment require a certain pathway of formation, unless one doesn’t care about dreadful aftermath. Too many sleepless night makes me panic, but too many nights of good sleep also troubles my soul, in a way that might sound unrealistic to most.   
   So sleeping in my office is probably the worst offense to the academia, at least from my personal perspective. For the past week and a half maybe I was eagerly waiting for someone to stop by, but of course whatever I desireth the most at the moment is deemed inappropriate. Divine offer only comes in the form of salvaging my toiled body; my personal deity is totally just and fair in that I simply shouldn’t expect any unduly favor from him. Of course modesty should always be kept high in my mind, despite the tendency to get used to it. But sometimes I really should act on my own behalf with respect to activity scheduling. So finally when my mind wanders, I should resort to writing and then when writing gets dry, go back to reading. Life is so simple given the individual choices we have, but the combinatorial game can be infinitely complex.

About aquazorcarson

math PhD at Stanford, studying probability
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