I received several signals for updating this blog. One came from a colleague who apparently was fascinated by my passion for writing, despite it being so devoid of content sometimes. I like to flare my big words skill, and that gets reflected unwittingly in conversation also. The problem, however, lies in that I keep doing this like a mule without replenishing my reservoir of vocabulary. The result is sometimes self-humiliating, and yields an impression of pompousness. Mathematics isn’t like that. You say what you deem nontrivial and in fact that’s how math books or papers can be kept within reasonable length.
Every morning I still struggle to regain my human confidence, that is, the fundamental confidence needed just to function as a normal human being. For some reason I must always get unconsciously conditioned by fear in my dreams, which are completely forgotten the moment I wake up, and yet the lingering trashy feeling can haunt me for a good half of a day, well deterring my progress through the most inspiring morning period. But a subtler degree of confidence is that of being unafraid of appearing shy. Indeed as my parents pointed out, coyness is a business strategy sometimes, at least in face to face contact. In girls, coyness has always been seen as arousing. For guys presumably it works the opposite way. But I think the law of the universe is so constantly changing that any maxim like that deserves constant rescrutinization. And indeed the great educational moment occurs when you realize your past failure and make a ostentatious effort to change, regardless of the criticism it might induce. Being shy is not only natural, but virtuous; after all only young people are capable of such innocent feeling presumably, and most people still believe virtues originate from youth, and get downgraded as we age.
Another topic of interest today is proper way of looking at inequality in society. There are many forms of those, and just because one is in an advantageous position (seen of course from his own perspective) doesn’t imply he should feel indignant about the injustice imposed on others. As Bryan Shu, my long time friend and teacher told me not long ago, I think too often about the impact of my action on humanity. I rarely treat myself as an individual member of the big game, but too often assumes an outsider’s sneer and make no personal investment into the exciting jackpot called life. Something to be worked on in the future is a balanced attitudes towards all configurations of personal relationships (not in the restricted sense). I can get pretty emotional when certain unusual configuration occurs, and that’s a sign of instability, possibly costing me disrespect from others, or worse still, self-imposed feeling of social incompetence.
By the way my emoticon skill needs serious advancing. I never make notes of these small matters, and I think the cumulative negative effect is enough to contribute to certain catastropic thinking, restraining my realm of creativity.
Maybe exercise is a good way to sharpen the mind, as I realized through two days of jogging experiments. But somehow I get too frisky and upfront that colleagues find me repulsing also. A guy in my department today, for example, was totally resentful of my presence, possibly because of m insouciant comment about the simplicity of his work, which I soon clarified as to mean simplicity of statement of problems. But he took the offense all the way through, which I found quite unreasonable. Maybe I appeared too soft for the most part that he found the change of adrenaline level in me unacceptable to his raw judgment. Alas, but I always remind myself, I can’t possibly please everyone around me. Just as long as I don’t spray insult onto injury. Avoid contact at all cost is perhaps the best strategy given the information I have now. And let’s hope the game of life is indeed a martingale.