It is a bit late tonight. But I don’t quite feel sleepy yet. There are things that can still get me excited these days. Of course I am talking about love. So the worst that could happen is when one ages, he loses the ability to attract others and internal craving eventually consumes him. So when parents tell their kids to postpone their emotional development after they have successfully launched their career, I could best make sense of it as an educational trap. Hell. There is no courageous waiting for a brighter future unless one is imprisoned. But there is always indecision to follow up one’s passion that leads to later regret.
What I observed tonight is that I am quite a consultant, a moral judge, and a caring fatherly figure. I always thought the last of the three was a bit too precocious in the pursuit of mutual appreciation. So I have constantly suppressed my inner paternity, to feign an air of youthful casualness. But amidst the tall-tale chivalry, I found my best-cherished rationality deranged to a shaky foundation, my ability to think deeply strangled to morbid painfulness. I must say what’s in my mind, and do what I think I should. Once these two components are brought into a positive cycle, the things I say will naturally become better tamed to reflect age-worn wisdom, and my actions will have more preponderance in the heart of the beholder. And let there be no hiatus between my thoughts and my actions, since whatever lies between is demonized by indolence, wantonness and pessimism.