unacustomed to being right all the time

  My lack of competitveness often can be ascribed to fear of being right all the time. It’s almost a form of confucius modesty par excellence. The real psychological reason might be a deeper fear of being abused and disabused once I lose my prime. Or it could be social creativism, i.e., being right all the time resembles a robot who displays little social skills per se. Once I am without company of another human being, my natural defensive mechanism breaks down, and performance in all forms of tasks gets downgraded. That’s why it is often most efficient for me to do research by discussing problems with others. In a research environment usually brain is taxed to the highest ledge and nothing can be feigned socially to accommodate certain psychological needs, such as the need to appease others in the group in order to secure future hospitality. But in more practical settings such as certain quotidian functions as driving, engineering a home design, etc, I often lose grip of my true self in the midst of controlling my social identity.

About aquazorcarson

math PhD at Stanford, studying probability
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