a fatal flaw hard to kill

Since the beginning of my personal calendar time, I have been told that sloth is my fatal point. Now it has been brewed and reflected in many ways. Recently my advisur has even complained about my inability to complete assignments that he imparted me orally. I think the main problem is not that I do not follow instructions willingly, nor that I am incapable of finishing them. I simply do not take orally distributed suggestions, or advice seriously enough. Had I been sitting in a class, I would try all my resources on finishing every single assignment to near perfection, because the goal is clearly stated and I am conditioned since high school to swallow them. Since college, rules have been less explicit and well-defined, consequences less morbid, and feedbacks given less frequently. My only recollection of unbecoming consequences for incomplete assignment since college were perhaps three. The first being in the Netherlands, when I gave a poor oral exam in the course on foliation, a subject which I thought I had superior grasp on. The second, and perhaps the most severe, is when I failed to submit a typed up abstract for a book typing project in grad school. This resulted in the relevant professor delivering an angry chafe at me through the phone. And finally I must have received definitive or indefinitive finger pointing from my own advisur who is at times dissatisfied with my exploratory nature and lack of focus. So in order to live a peaceful life, one of the essential change I must effect on myself is to take oral instructions seriously and use actions to prove my ability to follow them, otherwise I might eventually lose jobs. Another important thing to remember is that I should not rejoice over some small discoveries I made while neglecting advisur’s suggested reading. It is far better to report failures in some prescribed project, than small achievements in something totally pulled out of thin air.

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About aquazorcarson

math PhD at Stanford, studying probability
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