I am pretty pissed by life these days. Just bought an expensive house for no good reason, only to realize there are several major problems with the new home. Now I am locked up for the next 30 years with a monthly debt close to 10k. Not exactly happy with how my career is advancing. Even though I appear productive, I do all the menial work without good understanding of the fundamentals. I am treated as an cheap overtime labor. I am probably somewhat stupid, given my defective long/short term memory. I often can’t recall things happening more than a week ago, no matter how major. I have big trouble coming up with creativity and appropriate things to say or put into slides. I have so much self-doubt that I keep postponing decision making towards the end of every project, leaving a litter of experimental flags. I wish I can study deep things more regularly and not just read the headlines, but kids and other family obligations keep me from doing that, and wife’s chastise is the main catalyst. I was never confident of my english/presentation skill anyway. I can pretend to be fluent or well-versed in front of novices or unsuspecting subjects, but get crushed instantly by people of intellectual swiftness and criticality.
Not exactly happy with my family. There is very little common things I can talk to my wife about. She isn’t into politics. Both of us have been driven to 997 work schedule due to the financial burden and sheer workload in the tech industry. Yesterday I thought about leaving the bay area, but then I will miss my dad, who is my main source of consolation. Kid is way too hyperactive for me to handle. I cant’ even muster enough energy to save my own ass, let alone chasing kids around.
I don’t know if I am in a pit of depression at the moment. My confidence is certainly low, but that’s a perennial problem. I am swamped by the breadth and depth of multitasking imposed on me. I felt sold into a slave market that I never imagined myself getting into. I and my wife buy stuff without the ability to properly organize them. My memoryless trait often makes me buy the same thing two to three times. I never write code without copy/paste entire blocks from somewhere. I cannot retain stream of consciousness any more sometimes when I read novels, or technical report. These are worrisome signs of aging, and destroy me weekends and nights because I always have to put in extra miles than others to get things done. Never did I manage to make progress on first attempt.
So in retrospect, I made three poor decisions: 1. having kids, 2. buying that expensive house, 3. getting my parents and wife into the feud they are in now. If the 3rd one didn’t exist, I could have avoided 2 by talking to my parents before the purchase, and 1 could be solved easily by living together and taking advantage of their help. But now it’s all too late.
I know others also struggle similarly to me. But my lack of confidence and good decision making skill distinguishes myself from all the rest, since I can’t even easily communicate my problem to the outside world. On the other hand, if I get emboldened to decide on impulse always, I might have ended up in a jail already. Bankruptcy, felony charge, auto accidents. These things just seem not too far from me any more. I need some serious therapy.